2 May 2014

Witch Bitch?

So Angelina Jolie is Maleficent and Sofia Coppola has signed on to direct a live action version of The Little Mermaid which may or may not star FHM’s 98th Sexiest Woman of the Year 2011, Andrej Pejic. (Fingers crossed is doesn’t star Emma Watson.)

I love a Disney flick – especially one with a camp villain – so if Coppola’s movie features Ursula then this means two of my favourite baddies EVER are set to hit the big screen in fleshy human form.  

But before my love for this evil pair is crushed by below average films (I mean, come on, live action remakes are usually shockingly bad), I thought I'd let them go head-to-head and find out which witch is the baddest bitch on Disney's block. 

What’s her beef?

Maleficent: Sensitive soul that she is, Maleficent is a chronic FOMO sufferer - she fucking HATES missing a party. So when King Stefan and Queen Leah forget on purpose to invite her to celebrate the birth of their daughter, she puts a sixteen-year curse on the baby. And thank God she does - that party is so dry till our Mal shows up and poops all over it. Score: 10/10

Ursula: Ursula’s got major beef with King Triton because he's banished her from his underwater kingdom. She’s been living in a gloomy cave practicing her make-up skillz, getting fat and plotting to seize Triton’s crown ever since. Score: 7/10

The Look

Maleficent: It’s all about the headgear for this yellow-eyed fairy, and Maleficent’s curvaceous horns are killer. She teams her towering hat with a stylish high-collared black cape and magic stick that she uses to attack the bottoms of her minions. Score: 8/10  

Ursula: With her white quiff and grey lowlights Ursula is fashion-forward hunty! She’s got a make-up bag to die for and loves nothing more than painting on fierce brows and slathering her lips in MAC lipglass in Russian Red. Her curves are packed into a tight black PVC bodysuit and she finishes her look with a sickening shell necklace. Plus, anyone whose look is based on Divine gets bonus points. Score: 11/10


Maleficent: Every villain needs a trusted side-kick and Maleficent's is one crafty bird. Her raven Diablo is the clever sod that eventually finds Princess Aurora after his mistress's army of minions fail her. He's got a wicked little face and I love him. Score: 9/10

Ursula: Creepy eels Flotsam and Jetsam are Ursula's eyes and ears under the sea and persuade Ariel to visit the sea-witch in her lair. Other than that they're pretty useless. They speak in unison, and have mashed-up faces like the unsavouries who hang outside my local Lidl. Score: 7/10

The voice

Maleficent: Purrs and cackles. Shrieks hysterically but doesn’t do singing. She's too dark for that. Not even lip syncing. Score: 7/10

Ursula: My god, that voice – deep, suggestive, booming, demanding (‘Sing! Keep singing!’).  And she belts out the campest song in the history of Disney-villain showtunes ever. Score: 9/10


Maleficent: A tad annoyed that Prince Charming is hacking away at her thorny garden, Maleficent transforms into a mahoosive fire-breathing dragon. It's almost as scary as Monstro from Pinocchio. Almost. Score: 8/10

Ursula: With Triton's crown atop her head, Ursula huffs and puffs her way into a bigger version of herself. And it ain't pretty. Score: 6/10


These ladies have got loads in common - they're both frustrated with being left out, they're bent on getting their revenge and they enjoy nothing more than taking out their bitterness on pretty young things. But one goes about her business with the blackest of hearts and coldest of souls. And she still don't sing.
MALEFICENT - Score: 42/50

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